Sanity Consultant For Hire

I’ve started calling myself a “Technology Consultant.” What I mean by that is I help a lot of senior citizens get the most out of their computers and such.

I’ve been doing this (mixed in with all of my other freelance work) for a least a couple of years, and I feel it’s a calling.  Every last one of my customers has called my lessons a “blessing”, and I know I’ve saved several of them thousands of dollars  in equipment they would never have used and repairs that were unnecessary.

So based on all this success, I’m interested in expanding this clientele. But I’m self conscious, too. Let me enumerate all the reasons I really have no business calling myself  a Technology Consultant.

1. I had a regular ole’ “flip phone” until August of this year. Now I finally have an iPhone, but friends send me text messages with funny little video clips, and I can’t figure out how they do it.
2. I still have only square TVs in my home, and my VCR still gets plenty of use.   And don’t even get me started on how all of these fancy stereos have made it impossible to listen to the radio in my home.
3. Macintosh computers lost me after OS 9 (mostly because a bunch of the programs I come to rely upon didn’t work well in OS 10), so I’ve been a Windows guy ever since.  And by Windows, I mean XP as much as possible. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Windows 7 or 8  in action — and I’m not at all eager to do so.

Oh, brother! I could go on for hours.

But, I’m torn.  Despite all this incompetence, I am confident I can help a lot of people resolve their technology woes. As I say, I’ve been doing it for at least two years!

I’m thinking I need to pick a new name for what I do: what I really am is a “Sanity Consultant.”

Ah, yes. That’s much better. It fits precisely with what I do for my clients, almost all of whom have come to me because their families and friends had them on edge about technology.

“You need to be on Facebook, mom!” they’d hear time and again. “You have no idea what you’re missing.”

Or, “I really wish I could just send you text messages, Dad.”

Or, “Oh, Aunt Janie, I’m sorry I didn’t send you that invitation. I forgot you don’t do email.”

I sometimes feel like a family counselor.

“There is nothing wrong with your computer, your cell phone or even you,” I always assure these beleaguered souls . “The problem is that world is just gone crazy. It’s going way too fast. You have to demand that it slow down for you.”

But then I’m always careful to add this: “But, you’re going to have to keep up a little, too”

And, with that, the process begins — slowly.

In about 30 minutes, I clean out my new friend’s 6-year-old Windows XP machine and get it running faster than ever.  Then I set her up with an email address on Yahoo.com and show her how to check it daily. (Over the next few days, I even send her quick notes at random times, asking  her to reply. Just to keep her honest.)

Then, just as I have my client’s confidence going strong, I hit her with some tough news: these new found email skills she’s learning are quickly becoming obsolete these days.   To really keep up with the world, a transition to social media and/or text messaging will soon be necessary.

But, I assure her, such a change is not nearly as complicated as it may seem.  If one takes it slowly, that is.

The client and I usually arrange for monthly meetings, and, I give her easy “homework” in between:

First I get her inquiring about text messaging and such.

“Visit three cell phone stores and bring me the literature they give you about their smart phone plans,” I say. “Don’t sign up for anything. Just bring me whatever printed materials they offer. I’ll help you make sense of it all next meeting.”

Then I pique her curiosity about social media.

“Register for an account on Facebook. Don’t post anything or add any ‘friends.’ Just register. And certainly don’t fret one bit over Twitter, or Linked-In or anything else you may come across. We’ll get to those in due time. Half of them will be gone in two months anyway.”

Then, very gradually, we add social media and text messaging to the client’s life. And other skills (blogging, app searching, television viewing, music listening, etc.) get tossed in as needed.

Complete conversion takes at least six months or so.

The key to this work is very simple actually. I just take things slowly. My clients and I never rush into any changes in their lives. That means we both have to defy plenty of pressure from friends, relatives and commercial announcements. But we do it just the same.

And sanity results.

My clients end up being able to communicate just fine with the world — and they all tell me they’d never have guessed it possible.

Though my credentials may seem lacking (has this guy really never seen Windows 7? I can hear you asking) I’m confident this “sanity” approach can come in handy for business technology too.

Here are just a few random tips I’ll offer for free to all business owners and managers these days:

• You probably don’t really need that new thing that everyone wants you to get for the office. At least you don’t need it tomorrow. Don’t be afraid to study it a little longer.
• Google keeps its search engine ranking system a very tight secret. So most “search engine optimization” companies are just guessing (and charging you a lot of money for the privileged). Their theories, and resulting rules for your website, are mostly just silly. The key to high rankings is to just provide useful content, market your site in other ways, and then wait (sometimes months). You have to do those things — in that order. That’s just how Google works.
• It really is okay for real people in your office to answer phones and take real messages just like folks did for years.  In fact, that’ll make me more likely to be your customer. I’m not alone on that.
• Emails and text messages are almost useless if you send them en mass. I, for one,  never read those kind of notes — even the ones you “personalize” with my name.  There are much better way to spend your time and money.
• Don’t bother establishing a website — or even a facebook or twitter page — unless several people on your staff can work on it several hours each week (while on the clock) to keep it fresh and interesting.
• If you are going to establish a website, you don’t  have to pay some company thousands of dollars to get started. Just hire a $20/hour consultant like  me for a few weeks to show you how to download all the free software you’ll need and train your staff to run the site themselves. WordPress is the program I highly recommend. Don’t pay some coder $60/hour — for who knows how many hours —  to write  a custom program for you!)
• Assume every customer is a reporter working on a story for an audience of thousands. You can be sure  he or she will end up writing about you on the Internet — even if you never see the stories.
• All the things your English teacher tried to tell you in high school are important when texting and emailing. It’s not that much trouble to put periods at the end of sentences, is it? Little stuff like that really helps your customers and employees understand what you’re saying.

Marketing being what it is, I probably will keep calling myself a Technology Consultant for now at least. I’m guessing Sanity Consulting sounds a little too weird for most people. But I’m glad I figured out that’s what I’m really doing.